Psalm 104

1 Bless the Lord, O my soul!
O Lord my God, you are very great!
 You are clothed with splendor and majesty,
2 covering yourself with light as with a garment,
 stretching out the heavens like a tent.
3 He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters;
he makes the clouds his chariot;
he rides on the wings of the wind;
4 he makes his messengers winds,
his ministers a flaming fire.
5 He set the earth on its foundations,
so that it should never be moved.
6 You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.
7 At your rebuke they fled;
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight.
8 The mountains rose, the valleys sank down
to the place that you appointed for them.
9 You set a boundary that they may not pass,
so that they might not again cover the earth.
10 You make springs gush forth in the valleys;
they flow between the hills;
11 they give drink to every beast of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
12 Beside them the birds of the heavens dwell;
they sing among the branches.
13 From your lofty abode you water the mountains;
the earth is satisfied with the fruit of your work.
14 You cause the grass to grow for the livestock
and plants for man to cultivate,
that he may bring forth food from the earth
15 and wine to gladden the heart of man,
 oil to make his face shine
and bread to strengthen man's heart.
16 The trees of the Lord are watered abundantly,
 the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.
17 In them the birds build their nests;
the stork has her home in the fir trees.
18 The high mountains are for the wild goats;
the rocks are a refuge for the rock badgers.
19 He made the moon to mark the seasons;
the sun knows its time for setting.
20 You make darkness, and it is night,
when all the beasts of the forest creep about.
21 The young lions roar for their prey,
seeking their food from God.
22 When the sun rises, they steal away
and lie down in their dens.
23 Man goes out to his work
and to his labor until the evening.
24 O Lord, how manifold are your works!
In wisdom have you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
25 Here is the sea, great and wide,
 which teems with creatures innumerable,
living things both small and great.
26 There go the ships,
and Leviathan, which you formed to play in it.
27 These all look to you,
to give them their food in due season.
28 When you give it to them, they gather it up;
when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.
29 When you hide your face, they are dismayed;
when you take away their breath, they die
and return to their dust.
30 When you send forth your Spirit, they are created,
and you renew the face of the ground.
31 May the glory of the Lord endure forever;
may the Lord rejoice in his works,
32 who looks on the earth and it trembles,
who touches the mountains and they smoke!
33 I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;
I will sing praise to my God while I have being.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him,
for I rejoice in the Lord.
35 Let sinners be consumed from the earth,
and let the wicked be no more!
 Bless the Lord, O my soul!
 Praise the Lord!

even this

It's really discouraging to find a therapy sheet from over a year ago (for Peter) and to see that we are working on the exact same things today.  A lot has happened since then, drugs, regression, progression, the diet.  And yes, I am thankful for the progress I can see from 6 months ago.  I must again choose this, rather than resent it. Accept even this from a loving Father's hand...

To the praise of His glory!

Not our own! - Ephesians 1.

We have made Christianity so man-centered - "God wants you to be saved, come choose Jesus, then you will have a happy life and go to heaven."

But Ephesians 1 is full of the opposite. God is the one choosing us before time, and not for man-focused reasons (so I can avoid hell), but for His own purposes; not "so my life will be better right now" but rather "that we should be holy and blameless before him."

We are predestined for adoption - "to the praise of His glorious grace."

We receive an inheritance - "to the praise of His glory."

He works all things, not according to our wishes, but "according to the counsel of his will" - and with the purpose of making us be "to the praise of His glory."

There is nothing man-centered about biblical religion. It is all about God. Initiated by God, carried out by God, completed to the end by God, and for God's purposes.

We are not our own! And even unbelievers are not their own, for they were created by God for His own purposes as well.

But we. It is not that we can choose salvation, and then go live as we wish, as long as we do it in a biblical way;  - that we can decide something and then go pray make sure we have God's stamp of approval on our plans.

It is rather - that we are bought, chosen, redeemed, by One much greater than ourselves, who has saved us in order that we might be bringing Him praise among men; - in order that we should fulfill His purposes, do His bidding, be His ambassadors on earth, proclaim His praises in a dark world. We were made to point to Him. Everything we do, every choice we make, should not be a we-decide-then-get-His-stamp-of-approval, but rather a what-is-Your-bidding-my-Lord.

We are purchased bondservants. Our life is not our own. Our will is not our own. We do not have the jurisdiction over our own time and money. It is all His. The question is not, "what am I allowed to do under Christian liberty?" but rather, "what does Jesus wish me to do?" and "what would most cause others to praise Jesus because of me?"

There is no self-pity; I am His. There is no anxiety; I need but do His bidding, and He will take care of the rest; He owns me. I need not fear my future, for it will be in His service. I can pray, and know that His answers will be good for me; He is wiser than I. He is the Ruler; I am the subject. He is the Lord, I am His glad servant. He chooses, He rules, He works all things as He wishes - to the praise of His glory.

Psalm 100

Ps.100

The LORD is God.

He made us, and we are his.

The LORD is good!

Therefore we can serve him with gladness!

finding the rope

This is a long grief.

I had thought of it (dealing with Peter and his problems) almost like being thrown into a lake, floundering a bit, but eventually finding that boat to get into, the rope to hold onto until I could get in the boat and then be ok.

It seems more like keeping my head above water in a choppy sea... the boat is there, and the rope is there, and I can grab onto it. But all I can do is hold on to the rope, let go, find it again, and hold on... there is no getting into the boat, just struggling to keep holding on.

It is a grief. A dying of expectations and hopes and dreams.  Perhaps made more difficult because no one could predict the outcome.  There was only a range of outcomes, giving hope for the better end of things. And gradually having all the hopes of the better end be washed away, one by one.  Every day slides the mark on the spectrum further to the worse end of outcomes. Every day there is a little more dying, a little more realization that Peter is not on the good end of his spectrums.  Though I do have to remember there are plenty of kids worse off than he is, with no prospect of improvement, only a slow decline back to death.

Eventually I find the rope again. God reminds me of the Cross, of Jesus, of being ransomed and forgiven and bought with blood. He reminds me that I would gladly do anything for my Savior, and that his bidding is "care for this child".

Do this for Me

I still have trouble seeing other people's kids, especially those the age of Peter and younger. It is hard for me to not think, "this is what Peter should be doing" or "they have surpassed Peter already." I am still trying to accept the fact that yes, he is handicapped, and no, he will probably never catch up and be normal. Whatever normal is.

I still feel like if we had adopted a child, knowing up front that they were disabled, it would be easier, but that somehow, having expected normalcy, I haven't accepted the disability part yet.

It helps to remember Jesus, the gospel. That He took my sins for me, tasted death for me, drank the wrath of God, clothed me in His righteousness! How can I not do whatever He asks? And if He says, "Raise and love this child for Me", shall I not do it? Have I not said, "I would go wherever You send, do any job for You"? And He says, "I give you this child. He is a gift. Love him, care for him. This is what I want you to do." (and of course, love your other children and your husband, and care for them as well).

O Lord, help me. To fix my eyes on Jesus.